Traitorous extra thirty

I used to be REALLY into the self-help, personal development side of Instagram, leaning into life-coaching. I don’t regret this part of my life as a whole. I’m thankful for many of the lessons I learned and the people I met. However, I do have a specific, personal regret. I figured that since I was coaching others, I had to have it figured out. Or, at least act like I had it figured out.

This showed up in a lot of ways, but the biggest was with my morning routine. Creating and sticking with a morning routine was something God used to save my life early in my marriage and my career. Once I was out of the deep end, I grew a little more lax with my routines. I still talked about them on Instagram and tried to teach others how to create and stick with one.

Over the years, I’ve adjusted my morning routine and re-instituted it, to great success.

In this new season of my life where I am putting my best effort into writing a book while also being a mom and a full-time employee, mornings are critical. I determined how much time I needed in the morning, I backtracked from the earliest time my kid wakes up, and set an alarm.

That alarm sounds and I promptly turn it off and curl up.

Except, I’m not asleep.

I lay awake, thinking about needing to wake up, and doze. Sometimes I have really weird dreams. Other times I contort my body into an uncomfortable position.

And inevitably, I’ll wake up about thirty minutes after my alarm goes off, drag myself out of bed, and get started.

What is it about myself - my mind and body and intentions - that makes me sleep for that traitorous extra thirty minutes that do more harm than good?

It’s something I’ve been thinking about, something that I shoved under the rug all those years ago when I was trying to “do it right” and teach others to do the same.

Here are some ideas:

• I’m tired. Probably too tired for my original wakeup time, but I still think that a few more minutes resting my eyes will help.

• Something in the house is messy and I don’t want to deal with it. I do my best to clean in the evenings to avoid this issue, but sometimes it happens.

• I’m stuck. Whatever I have to work on in the morning, I don’t know the next steps and I think that by sleeping, I can avoid it.

• I don’t know the next step. I haven’t made a plan, so the urgency to get up and get going just isn’t there.

I’m not sure that I’ll ever “figure this out”. Thinking through the options helps me, in this moment, know that I can choose to say “no” to these extra minutes.

I also can say “no” to getting back on Instagram and pretending to have it all figured out. What a relief!